[That sudden sharp tone seems to jog something loose for Heizou, and the tightness in his chest increases. Not that it shows outwardly, his expression falling back into cold and neutral and carefully schooled to not show how painfully his gut is twisting with every word. He doesn't even know why he said that. He knows how deeply Lyney loves his family. But his heart hurts, and maybe he wanted Lyney to feel that too, even if just for a moment.
Heizou's eyes fall back to his tea, taking in a deep breath because he suddenly feels like he can't breathe.]
I don't know what to think, Lyney. You promised not to lie to me, and I trusted you. You had your secrets to keep, and I respected that. But I'd at least hoped that when you one day decided to come clean about them, that I'd be the first one you told.
[It hurts. It hurts, but he carefully keeps his voice even. It hurts, but maybe he only has himself to blame for being open and vulnerable with someone.]
[Though the first words were so insulting, lit a fire within Lyney, it's Heizou's next words that has that fire petering out, turning to ash in his heart. So he's heard... He's heard. He wonders who's the one who broke the news to Heizou before he did... but he figures it doesn't really matter right now. Crestfallen, his gaze drops.]
I... was scared.
[He rubs the side of his neck and looks away.]
I know I should have told you first. I should have gone to you directly, even before Father arrived here. But I... I was so scared. I was scared of what you'd think, about what it would do to us. I was a coward, I'll admit that. I just didn't...
[He hesitates briefly, but shakes his head and continues.]
[Seeing Lyney like that... It makes Heizou crack a little, too. Even though he wants to keep this distance between his emotions and his curiosity, to keep falling back to the role of detective interrogating a suspect, his heart aches. He'd always thought that was just a figure of speech out of a cheap romance novel, but now he's finding that that's exactly what it feels like.
His fingers curl into his palms, just for want of something to hold onto. To ground him.]
...I'd kind of figured it out, you know. Both you and your brother are trained fighters- hardly skills a regular orphanage would be teaching to a magician and a diver. You never mentioned your orphanage by name, which meant it had to be connected to an organization. One big enough for someone even outside of Fontaine to know about. There could only be so many reasons why you'd insist on keeping something a secret. And your careful, rare mentions of Father... Your scars, the injuries you returned with...
[Heizou frowns, shaking his head as he forces his hands to open back up before his fingers can cramp.]
I had it narrowed down to one of two possibilities. At which point I figured I'd just keep waiting. Until you trusted me enough, or felt safe enough, or-- something.
[He pauses for a second, staring at his hands with a sad frown. And when he speaks, his voice is soft. A little scared. Hurting.]
...If the Knave had never shown up here, would you have ever told me?
[Lyney actually looks surprised by this fact. That Heizou had been able to piece things together the way he has. Then gain, as he explains his deductions, Lyney has to hand it to Heizou; he's definitely good at what he does. In fact, a part of Lyney feels a sense of pride in seeing Heizou's brilliant mind working as it has been. But it does little to taper the guilt or the feeling of sadness within him.]
[Then Heizou asks the question he had been dreading. It's the same one Alhaitham had asked, but coming from Heizou, it makes his throat tighten.]
I...
[He pauses, looking away. Guilt and shame riddle his expression.]
I wanted to. Believe me, I truly did. I just... wasn't sure how to do so. How I could in a way that wouldn't make you hate me. I had been wracking my brain how to tell everyone in a way that wouldn't be so damning, and wouldn't cause harm to Freminet. I just... hadn't figured out a way before Father arrived...
[The excuse sounds weak even to his own ears. But hopefully Heizou will hear the truth in them.]
[It feels like he can't breathe again. Maybe it was stupid of him to hope that Lyney's answer was going to be immediate. A simple "yes" or "of course I would have" would have eased his mind and his heart. But the guilt and shame on Lyney's face says so much, even before he starts to explain himself, and Heizou feels like his heart literally just dropped into his stomach like a lead weight.
Of course. Lyney loves his family. They will always come first. There's no room there for Heizou. He's probably hardly even a thought.
Everything in him feels so cold. He doesn't even have the presence of mind to keep his face from revealing how hurt he feels.]
...I see.
[His gaze drops back to his tea, that far off look in his eyes again. After a moment he lets out something that's a bit like a laugh, though the sound is hollow.]
Of course.
[Stupid Heizou. You fell for it again.]
One more question, if I may. When you approached me that night, on the island of dragons... Was there a reason? Did you already know who I was?
[That hollow tone is like a knife right to his heart. The empty laugh is the twisting of the blade. And that question is the gut-wrenching feeling of the blade slicing through the rest of his heart. Lyney looks up at Heizou, unable to hide the helplessness from creeping into his own crushed expression. He wants to feel offended by the question, but given everything... it's honestly what he deserves.]
...no, I didn't know who you were. I just... saw your Vision, and your outfit, and... the way you were looking at the crowd. It drew my curiosity. And then when we got to talking, I... I was just drawn to you.
[It sounds so pathetic now... but it's the truth. Lyney looks down at his own tea, unable to stop the feeling of bile rising in his throat.]
I swear, everything I felt for you... that was real, I promise.
[Heizou's fingers curl into his palms again. Then flex back out. He watches them do this as if those hands don't even belong to him, more focused on Lyney's words. It's some small relief to know that Lyney had never had any other motive to stay by his side.
But the use of past tense doesn't escape Heizou's notice. How could it?
And what had Lyney felt for him anyway? Surely it can't be the same thing Heizou did...
He has to fight the urge to bite down on his lip and chew on it until it bleeds. Just so that he can feel something that isn't quite so... mind numbing.]
...I- I think I need some time to process this. All of this.
[The use of past tense may not even be a fully conscious decision initially, but now that he's said it... well, it's not like he's expecting to be forgiven for all this. Given how distant and cold and, quite frankly, broken Heizou has become, it's clear to Lyney that even if he ever thought that Heizou might eventually harbour feelings for him, this revelation will have killed them off. Whatever was budding between them is probably dead and gone, crushed under the weight of his own mistakes.]
[Lyney nods slowly, taking a slow breath.]
...I understand. Please, take as long as you need.
[He figures there's nothing else for him to say. After a moment's hesitation, he slowly stands up, mechanically placing enough coin on the table to pay for both their drinks, plus extra. He adjusts his hat, but doesn't leave immediately, lingering for a moment before looking at Heizou.]
...For what it's worth, I promise that while you're deciding... neither of us will bother you, or bring any harm to you. And no matter what it is you decide... we'll accept your decision.
[As soon as Lyney stands, Heizou feels like he's being crushed. His eyes flit to stare at the other teacup on the table, at the money that gets left next to it, not quite feeling ready to look up at Lyney himself. If he's honest with himself, he's kind of scared of what he'll find if he does. But he already misses the sense of security he's gotten so used to feeling in Lyney's presence. The warmth of the magician's gaze on him. The radiant smile that's always been there to greet him.
This feels a bit like they're never going to see each other again. It makes the entire world just fall right out from under Heizou's feet. He's falling into an empty abyss, and there's nothing he can grab onto.
He's aching to try to reach out for Lyney's hand. Implore him to stay while he figures himself out. It's so tempting. But he's frozen, hurt and weary and weighed down by the content of this entire conversation. It takes everything in him just to nod in acknowledgement, in understanding of what Lyney says by way of goodbye.]
[Just as Heizou feels crushed, Lyney feels torn apart. Torn between his loyalty to his family and his desire to be true to Heizou, and the idea that there's a very good chance those two worlds will never harmonize with one another. That no matter what he feels for Heizou, his status as a Fatuus will forever tarnish any chance he may have at something more. And while he wants to be mad at that reality... how could he ever deny his love for his family? Both his family and his feelings for Heizou exist within his heart, and right now it feels like the two halves are breaking apart.]
[He takes a shaky breath, and tries to speak through the waver in his voice.]
...I'm sorry for not telling you sooner.
[He hates how final that feels. But what more can he say? How else could he ever salvage this? The back of his throat burns and his eyes water, but he forced himself to look ahead, keep it together as he finally walks away.]
[He can fall apart and let the mask crumble when he finally gets home.]
[Somehow - somehow - Heizou manages to keep himself upright in his seat as Lyney walks away. His hands are still balled into tight fists while he waits to hear the cafe door close behind the magician... And only then does he let himself release the shaky breath it feels like he's been holding for hours. He even slumps forward on the table a little, carding both hands back through his hair with a soft whimper of frustration.
He ends up sitting there for a good while after, just like that. Head in his hands, just forcing himself to breathe. It's a long time before he finally drags himself to his feet. And numbly moves himself in a direction that is definitely not home.]
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book2thehead
no subject
Date: 30 Jul 2024 03:39 (UTC)Heizou's eyes fall back to his tea, taking in a deep breath because he suddenly feels like he can't breathe.]
I don't know what to think, Lyney. You promised not to lie to me, and I trusted you. You had your secrets to keep, and I respected that. But I'd at least hoped that when you one day decided to come clean about them, that I'd be the first one you told.
[It hurts. It hurts, but he carefully keeps his voice even. It hurts, but maybe he only has himself to blame for being open and vulnerable with someone.]
no subject
Date: 30 Jul 2024 04:14 (UTC)I... was scared.
[He rubs the side of his neck and looks away.]
I know I should have told you first. I should have gone to you directly, even before Father arrived here. But I... I was so scared. I was scared of what you'd think, about what it would do to us. I was a coward, I'll admit that. I just didn't...
[He hesitates briefly, but shakes his head and continues.]
I just didn't want to lose you...
no subject
Date: 30 Jul 2024 06:41 (UTC)His fingers curl into his palms, just for want of something to hold onto. To ground him.]
...I'd kind of figured it out, you know. Both you and your brother are trained fighters- hardly skills a regular orphanage would be teaching to a magician and a diver. You never mentioned your orphanage by name, which meant it had to be connected to an organization. One big enough for someone even outside of Fontaine to know about. There could only be so many reasons why you'd insist on keeping something a secret. And your careful, rare mentions of Father... Your scars, the injuries you returned with...
[Heizou frowns, shaking his head as he forces his hands to open back up before his fingers can cramp.]
I had it narrowed down to one of two possibilities. At which point I figured I'd just keep waiting. Until you trusted me enough, or felt safe enough, or-- something.
[He pauses for a second, staring at his hands with a sad frown. And when he speaks, his voice is soft. A little scared. Hurting.]
...If the Knave had never shown up here, would you have ever told me?
no subject
Date: 30 Jul 2024 22:35 (UTC)[Lyney actually looks surprised by this fact. That Heizou had been able to piece things together the way he has. Then gain, as he explains his deductions, Lyney has to hand it to Heizou; he's definitely good at what he does. In fact, a part of Lyney feels a sense of pride in seeing Heizou's brilliant mind working as it has been. But it does little to taper the guilt or the feeling of sadness within him.]
[Then Heizou asks the question he had been dreading. It's the same one Alhaitham had asked, but coming from Heizou, it makes his throat tighten.]
I...
[He pauses, looking away. Guilt and shame riddle his expression.]
I wanted to. Believe me, I truly did. I just... wasn't sure how to do so. How I could in a way that wouldn't make you hate me. I had been wracking my brain how to tell everyone in a way that wouldn't be so damning, and wouldn't cause harm to Freminet. I just... hadn't figured out a way before Father arrived...
[The excuse sounds weak even to his own ears. But hopefully Heizou will hear the truth in them.]
no subject
Date: 31 Jul 2024 03:53 (UTC)Of course. Lyney loves his family. They will always come first. There's no room there for Heizou. He's probably hardly even a thought.
Everything in him feels so cold. He doesn't even have the presence of mind to keep his face from revealing how hurt he feels.]
...I see.
[His gaze drops back to his tea, that far off look in his eyes again. After a moment he lets out something that's a bit like a laugh, though the sound is hollow.]
Of course.
[Stupid Heizou. You fell for it again.]
One more question, if I may. When you approached me that night, on the island of dragons... Was there a reason? Did you already know who I was?
no subject
Date: 31 Jul 2024 04:20 (UTC)...no, I didn't know who you were. I just... saw your Vision, and your outfit, and... the way you were looking at the crowd. It drew my curiosity. And then when we got to talking, I... I was just drawn to you.
[It sounds so pathetic now... but it's the truth. Lyney looks down at his own tea, unable to stop the feeling of bile rising in his throat.]
I swear, everything I felt for you... that was real, I promise.
no subject
Date: 31 Jul 2024 04:37 (UTC)But the use of past tense doesn't escape Heizou's notice. How could it?
And what had Lyney felt for him anyway? Surely it can't be the same thing Heizou did...
He has to fight the urge to bite down on his lip and chew on it until it bleeds. Just so that he can feel something that isn't quite so... mind numbing.]
...I- I think I need some time to process this. All of this.
no subject
Date: 31 Jul 2024 05:07 (UTC)[Lyney nods slowly, taking a slow breath.]
...I understand. Please, take as long as you need.
[He figures there's nothing else for him to say. After a moment's hesitation, he slowly stands up, mechanically placing enough coin on the table to pay for both their drinks, plus extra. He adjusts his hat, but doesn't leave immediately, lingering for a moment before looking at Heizou.]
...For what it's worth, I promise that while you're deciding... neither of us will bother you, or bring any harm to you. And no matter what it is you decide... we'll accept your decision.
no subject
Date: 31 Jul 2024 05:20 (UTC)This feels a bit like they're never going to see each other again. It makes the entire world just fall right out from under Heizou's feet. He's falling into an empty abyss, and there's nothing he can grab onto.
He's aching to try to reach out for Lyney's hand. Implore him to stay while he figures himself out. It's so tempting. But he's frozen, hurt and weary and weighed down by the content of this entire conversation. It takes everything in him just to nod in acknowledgement, in understanding of what Lyney says by way of goodbye.]
no subject
Date: 31 Jul 2024 05:35 (UTC)[He takes a shaky breath, and tries to speak through the waver in his voice.]
...I'm sorry for not telling you sooner.
[He hates how final that feels. But what more can he say? How else could he ever salvage this? The back of his throat burns and his eyes water, but he forced himself to look ahead, keep it together as he finally walks away.]
[He can fall apart and let the mask crumble when he finally gets home.]
no subject
Date: 31 Jul 2024 05:43 (UTC)He ends up sitting there for a good while after, just like that. Head in his hands, just forcing himself to breathe. It's a long time before he finally drags himself to his feet. And numbly moves himself in a direction that is definitely not home.]