[Heizou's fingers curl into his palms again. Then flex back out. He watches them do this as if those hands don't even belong to him, more focused on Lyney's words. It's some small relief to know that Lyney had never had any other motive to stay by his side.
But the use of past tense doesn't escape Heizou's notice. How could it?
And what had Lyney felt for him anyway? Surely it can't be the same thing Heizou did...
He has to fight the urge to bite down on his lip and chew on it until it bleeds. Just so that he can feel something that isn't quite so... mind numbing.]
...I- I think I need some time to process this. All of this.
[The use of past tense may not even be a fully conscious decision initially, but now that he's said it... well, it's not like he's expecting to be forgiven for all this. Given how distant and cold and, quite frankly, broken Heizou has become, it's clear to Lyney that even if he ever thought that Heizou might eventually harbour feelings for him, this revelation will have killed them off. Whatever was budding between them is probably dead and gone, crushed under the weight of his own mistakes.]
[Lyney nods slowly, taking a slow breath.]
...I understand. Please, take as long as you need.
[He figures there's nothing else for him to say. After a moment's hesitation, he slowly stands up, mechanically placing enough coin on the table to pay for both their drinks, plus extra. He adjusts his hat, but doesn't leave immediately, lingering for a moment before looking at Heizou.]
...For what it's worth, I promise that while you're deciding... neither of us will bother you, or bring any harm to you. And no matter what it is you decide... we'll accept your decision.
[As soon as Lyney stands, Heizou feels like he's being crushed. His eyes flit to stare at the other teacup on the table, at the money that gets left next to it, not quite feeling ready to look up at Lyney himself. If he's honest with himself, he's kind of scared of what he'll find if he does. But he already misses the sense of security he's gotten so used to feeling in Lyney's presence. The warmth of the magician's gaze on him. The radiant smile that's always been there to greet him.
This feels a bit like they're never going to see each other again. It makes the entire world just fall right out from under Heizou's feet. He's falling into an empty abyss, and there's nothing he can grab onto.
He's aching to try to reach out for Lyney's hand. Implore him to stay while he figures himself out. It's so tempting. But he's frozen, hurt and weary and weighed down by the content of this entire conversation. It takes everything in him just to nod in acknowledgement, in understanding of what Lyney says by way of goodbye.]
[Just as Heizou feels crushed, Lyney feels torn apart. Torn between his loyalty to his family and his desire to be true to Heizou, and the idea that there's a very good chance those two worlds will never harmonize with one another. That no matter what he feels for Heizou, his status as a Fatuus will forever tarnish any chance he may have at something more. And while he wants to be mad at that reality... how could he ever deny his love for his family? Both his family and his feelings for Heizou exist within his heart, and right now it feels like the two halves are breaking apart.]
[He takes a shaky breath, and tries to speak through the waver in his voice.]
...I'm sorry for not telling you sooner.
[He hates how final that feels. But what more can he say? How else could he ever salvage this? The back of his throat burns and his eyes water, but he forced himself to look ahead, keep it together as he finally walks away.]
[He can fall apart and let the mask crumble when he finally gets home.]
[Somehow - somehow - Heizou manages to keep himself upright in his seat as Lyney walks away. His hands are still balled into tight fists while he waits to hear the cafe door close behind the magician... And only then does he let himself release the shaky breath it feels like he's been holding for hours. He even slumps forward on the table a little, carding both hands back through his hair with a soft whimper of frustration.
He ends up sitting there for a good while after, just like that. Head in his hands, just forcing himself to breathe. It's a long time before he finally drags himself to his feet. And numbly moves himself in a direction that is definitely not home.]
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book2thehead
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Date: 31 Jul 2024 04:37 (UTC)But the use of past tense doesn't escape Heizou's notice. How could it?
And what had Lyney felt for him anyway? Surely it can't be the same thing Heizou did...
He has to fight the urge to bite down on his lip and chew on it until it bleeds. Just so that he can feel something that isn't quite so... mind numbing.]
...I- I think I need some time to process this. All of this.
no subject
Date: 31 Jul 2024 05:07 (UTC)[Lyney nods slowly, taking a slow breath.]
...I understand. Please, take as long as you need.
[He figures there's nothing else for him to say. After a moment's hesitation, he slowly stands up, mechanically placing enough coin on the table to pay for both their drinks, plus extra. He adjusts his hat, but doesn't leave immediately, lingering for a moment before looking at Heizou.]
...For what it's worth, I promise that while you're deciding... neither of us will bother you, or bring any harm to you. And no matter what it is you decide... we'll accept your decision.
no subject
Date: 31 Jul 2024 05:20 (UTC)This feels a bit like they're never going to see each other again. It makes the entire world just fall right out from under Heizou's feet. He's falling into an empty abyss, and there's nothing he can grab onto.
He's aching to try to reach out for Lyney's hand. Implore him to stay while he figures himself out. It's so tempting. But he's frozen, hurt and weary and weighed down by the content of this entire conversation. It takes everything in him just to nod in acknowledgement, in understanding of what Lyney says by way of goodbye.]
no subject
Date: 31 Jul 2024 05:35 (UTC)[He takes a shaky breath, and tries to speak through the waver in his voice.]
...I'm sorry for not telling you sooner.
[He hates how final that feels. But what more can he say? How else could he ever salvage this? The back of his throat burns and his eyes water, but he forced himself to look ahead, keep it together as he finally walks away.]
[He can fall apart and let the mask crumble when he finally gets home.]
no subject
Date: 31 Jul 2024 05:43 (UTC)He ends up sitting there for a good while after, just like that. Head in his hands, just forcing himself to breathe. It's a long time before he finally drags himself to his feet. And numbly moves himself in a direction that is definitely not home.]